1. We’re programmed to fix things. We don’t understand that sometimes you just want to vent about a problem, and you’re not looking for a solution..
2. We don’t know anything about what colors go well together, so please don’t ask us those kinds of questions.
3. It’s not that we prefer watching sports to listening to you, it’s just that your crisis will still be here in an hour, but this game could be critical to our team’s making the playoffs.
4. We think about sex all the time. And we relate everything in life to sex. Except sports.
5. We laugh at different things than you do. Two guys throwing food at each other is way funnier than two women talking about their anxieties in a Woody Allen movie.
6. Our brains are made for trivia. That’s why we remember the batting average of every baseball player on our home team when we were 9 years old but we can’t remember the name of your favorite restaurant.
7. We don’t mean any disrespect to you when we look at girls on the beach. It’s just that we have a part of our brain that never evolved past the reptile stage, and that’s what makes us do it. Really.
8. We don’t think you look fat in those pants. Unless you want us to think that way. Actually, those pants are way too loose on you anyway. What we’d really like is for you to wear something in lycra or spandex, with six inch heels.
9. We haven’t listened to anything your mother has said in years.
10. We’re not sensitive about anything except our hair. When we ask, “Do you think I’m losing my hair?”, it’s exactly like when you ask us if you’ve gained weight. And the answer is the same.