Chocolate pornography

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Before I start those offended by those of us who love chocolate and possibly go too far should stop reading now, for those who feel chocolate can be sexual…keep reading. 

Kinder is a brand I always thought was German only to now find out they are Italian is a bit of a shock and what’s more surprising is they are actually own by Ferrero (infamous for their “Rocher” luxury chocolate). Anyway the Kinder brand are best known for their over priced children based chocolate “Kinder Surprise” the rather large chocolate eggs with a little toy inside them. Now where the confusion had kicked in was that I knew from a young age that “Kinder” was German for “Children” so an assumption based on that now, 16 years on turns out to be wrong. “Bueno” on the other hand definitely means “Will Love Them”*. 

The bar’s were originally available in parts of Europe in the mid 1990’s, however Brits had to wait until around a decade later before they became available over here, whilst in America it’s still difficult (though not impossible) to get one. 

“Erwachsener” is as far as I’m concerned the real target of this product despite the “Kinder” label, as the bar is ideally the “daddy” of the chocolate market at the moment. 

The bars outer packaging is made of a white and orange case, which when opened reveals two individually wrapped fingers, which in the interests of feminism I will claim “are two fingers EVERYONE wants inside them” (let me “offend” all equally). Each finger is made up of 4 sections made of the good old Kinder milk chocolate with a darker chocolate drizzled over it seductively. It looks like the high school girl you wish you could nail, but was so out of your league, by virtue of her being gorgeous and you being a geeky little quiet shy reserved guy (or maybe that’s just me?). Just looking at the bar and thinking of it makes your mouth water in a rather aroused way, just as if Kelly Brook (or for you Ladies Johnny Depp) was stood in front of you stripping. This dear readers, is chocolate pornography of the most X-Rated variety. 

So lets strip it from it’s clear underwear, that it’s teasing us in, like the lap dancer in as little as possible, telling us we’re not allowed to touch. Lets give it some oral, a little nibble, or a kiss, a lick or…oh sod that lets gorge ourselves on it’s beauty, it’s taste and it’s almost “naughty” feel. A flick of a tongue around the first section feels so good, but you find yourself biting it, unable to resist the temptation any longer you forget about the foreplay and just go straight ahead. You want the hard rough stuff, not the soft delicate caring stuff, you find yourself rushing it, racing to the orgasm, rather than making it mutually fun. The bar cracks open it’s shell under your teeth, a shell made from fresh and high quality wafer that the Mars Delight could learn so much from, before imploding into the naughty hazlenut filling. The hazlenut filling is effectively a rival Nutella created by the founder of Ferrero in the 1940’s or 1950’s and is used in the Rocher eggs, before coming to these delightful bars. The bar doesn’t need to tell you that these nuts are ones you want deep down inside you, you want to fondle them with your tongue, take them deep down your throat and swallow, swallow like you’ve never swallowed before. This isn’t a one way deal though, in return for swallowing Bueno’s nuts you too will be as pleased as they are, a completely mutual agreement, that Mars “Delight” only wishes to re-create, instead it just coverts in a most sinful of ways, that it shall be sent to hell for. 

So the texture, well it starts as a smooth chocolate, then moves onto a fresh snapping wafer, before, moving onto the soft playful and tantalising, almost erotic. If your mouth is missing out on possible orgasms this my dear friends is for you, it can please your mouth in so many ways. In fact if you leaving one to melt a bit, then try it you can get the hazlenut spread all of the inside of your mouth and that, is one of the nicest sensations possible. Alternatively you can let it melt and “share” it with a close personal friend and use the melted goodness as a body spread, even if it could be messy and sticky it’ll make things more interesting. A good use for a finger or two. 

However like all good things, the bar can have a negative, they can be a bit steep in price, at around 50p for a hazlenut spread covered in wafer and excellent chocolate, this may be out side of the price ranger for kids. Which again proves it’s an adults bar, however you can get multipacks of 3 for £1 from “Poundland” at the moment. Also of course some people are allergic to nuts, they had best stay away. 

“Kinder”? No this is for us adults with a cheeky side. 

*Ok Bueno actually means “Good” in Spanish 
**Erwachsener is German for “Adult” 

Nutritional stuff: (Taken from 
Calories 240 Calories from Fat 0 

% Daily Value * 
Total Fat 16g 25% 
Saturated Fat 6g 30% 
Monounsaturated Fat 0g 
Polyunsaturated Fat 0g 
Trans Fat 0g 
Sodium 45mg 2% 
Potassium 0mg 0% 
Total Carbohydrate 20g 7% 
Dietary Fiber 0g 0% 
Sugars 16g 
Protein 4g 8% 

Summary: Shove it all in my mouth baby


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