So you want to have more sex? My first question to you is do you deserve it? That’s a serious question. For example, have you gone fishing/golfing/whatever your hobby is for the weekend and left her home with the kids? Have you gone out with the guys to the bar and left her alone with the kids? Have you gone to fix your parent’s car/house/fence/deck and left your spouse home alone with your children in your home that needs attention? If you have done any of these things more than once in the past few months, then likely you don’t. Or at least she likely thinks you don’t.
Have you come home from work and asked your stay-at-home wife what she did all day? If yes, then you likely won’t be having sex often.
Do you complain about not getting enough sex and try to guilt her into it? Sorry dude, it ain’t happening.
Have you complained about the extra weight she’s been carrying since she gave life to your child? If you have I don’t see intimacy in your future.
All of these inspire something that is the biggest psychological barrier to sex in a marriage. They inspire resentment. Resentful people do not want to be close to the person they resent. They actually want to kick you in a special place and make you cry.
Men who are in happy and sexually fulfilling marriages are compassionate and giving. They are emotionally available to their partners as well as physically available to help with the family. They don’t go to bed until all the evening chores are done by both of you. Assuming that the baby isn’t nursed to sleep, do this sometimes. Be fully engaged in the family as much as possible. They put the family’s needs first and theirs second and if that means leaving the golf course behind for a few years, just as your wife left behind her interests when the children came, then so be it. If this means saying no to mommy and manning up and saying yes to your wife, your family instead of your father’s family, then that’s what you have to do.
Take time to figure out (by asking), what your partner needs. Sometimes it’s hard for a person to admit they just need to spend time with you. Ask them if that’s what they want. Sometimes it’s hard for a woman to balance all the little details that go along with being a mother, working outside the home, working inside the home, being on call all the time for the family, it’s very tiring and burn out is common. Make sure that you give your partner the break she needs, regularly and frequently as she needs them. If you see her getting irritated and overwhelmed, step in with kindness and ask her what she needs from you.
If she simply needs a break, let her go, and clean the house while she’s away. Don’t take the kids to your mother’s house either, do it yourself.
So what if you are a kind, gentle, compassionate and engaged man who has sacrificed everything for your family and she’s still not into sex? Then it may be a bigger problem. If she was into sex before and the change has occurred since the children came, it may be libido. She may just not have the drive anymore and it likely isn’t your fault or her fault, you may just have to wait it out a while longer. If her body has changed she may not feel sexy, let her know she is even when sex is not on the menu, by simply looking at her “that way” and flirting with her like you used to.
All of these things may lead to a more passionate and happy marriage. There is nothing sexier than a good dad and husband and being both of these things will more than likely be enough to help engage her interest again.
Just remember sex should be inspired, not required. Be available for her in the ways she needs you to be and she’ll more likely be there for you.