Through My Eyes

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“Have you thought of killing yourself?”, the doctor asked.
I wasn’t surprised to hear that question. It was part of his job to ask.
“No, I’m too scared to die!”, I blurt out to the doctor
The tears streamed down my face, “All I want is for this rollercoaster of madness to stop!”
I didn’t have the strength to fight the pain that I had in the pit of my stomach anymore and I was tired of living my nightmare life day in and day out.
Depression is related to physical changes and an imbalance of the chemicals in the brain – called neurotransmitters, which carries signals to nerves and brain.  It does not discriminate and can happen to anyone, at anytime.  
If left untreated or misdiagnosed, it is also one of the leading causes of suicide in the U.S. That feeling of being unworthy and worthless does put the thoughts in your head. That feeling like no one will care if your gone. Take it from me, I know.

I knew everyone got depressed once in a while. But, my symptoms persisted for over two weeks. I knew there could definitely be a problem and it should be looked into.

One in four women is likely to experience an episode of severe depression in her lifetime and the average age a first depressive episode occurs is in the mid-20’s.
The exact cause of depression is difficult to put a finger on and can be triggered by numerous things. Traumatic events or stress, heredity, low-self esteem and negative outlooks on life are found to be associated with depression. 
For myself, the realization that my father had molested me came as a shock. I had put my father on a pedestal and my ‘Daddy’s Little Girl’ dream came tumbling down all around me. It sent me right over the edge.
My symptoms of depression varied from uncontrollable crying, for no apparent reasons, to staying in bed all day, not wanting to face the world. Having no more interest in the activities I enjoyed. I was always tired, had no energy.

Trouble sleeping was the worst thing for me. I would toss and turn all night long because my brain would not shut down. It felt like hamster running on its wheel, round and round. But, get this, the worst part of it all is that when I did fall asleep, the nightmares were horrendous. 
I’m trying to develop positive coping techniques to deal with my anxiety and fears.  I’ve started doing yoga and meditation as a form of relaxation. I sit in a quiet spot and breath in and out deeply to help myself to relax by focusing on the good things in my life.
There are various ways that you can use to fight depression. These include:
1. Journal writing. This is utilized to bring out emotions, thoughts, and fears.
2. Exercise regularly. Doing at least 20 minutes helps relieve stress.
3. Eat healthily.
4. Seek out professional counselling. Being able to speak to someone who is not only trained to help you, but is also impartial 
5. Meditation.  in a quiet spot, breath in and out deeply. This will help you to relax .
In addition, my doctor has prescribed an anti-depressant and schedules regular visits to assess how I am doing.
The first step to recovery is to recognize the symptoms and asking for help. It takes courage and strength to confront ones‘ life and change it. My decision to ask for help was a tough one because I knew it was time to face the nightmares hidden deep within myself that I had locked up and pushed away for over thirty-nine years. That meant a lot of work and having to trust my trust in a stranger to help me through it all.
So, learn to spot the symptoms and ask for help. There’s no shame in wanting a better life. That’s the easy part. It’s working to make your life better that’s the hard part. 
All in all, I can dare say that I am a totally different person. It’s a long and tiresome road, but I would not want to turn back now. I still have a lot to learn about myself.


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