Daddy Dearest!

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“Dad molested me until I was eight years old!”, looking at my sister. Confusion and shock could be seen in my older sisters’ blue eyes as I relayed this message to her. Tears welled up in her eyes and she could not speak. Taking in a deep breath, I continue to speak by saying, “Remember all my vivid nightmares and ghosts I would see in my room when I was small?” Hesitantly, she responds, “Yes”. “Well, they were real! It was Dad! I knew I wasn’t crazy!” The salty tears rolled down my cheeks and the knot in my stomach grew even tighter knowing I had hurt my sister with these news.  I am an incest survivor! I say I am a survivor because after thirty-nine years, I finally know what has been stirring up inside of me. To know that I was not crazy when I felt someone was watching me in my room.  Child sexual abuse occurs when an adult engaging in sexual activities with a minor for the purpose of sexual gratification. Incest is one of many types of child sexual abuse which causes horrific damage to a child, due to the fact that the perpetrator is related to the child, either by blood or marriage. These could include a trusted uncle, cousin, or even a babysitter.  Father-daughter or stepfather-daughter are the most often reported; though, there are reports suggesting mother/stepmother-son incest. I suffer from long term psychological effects of the sexual abuse. These include depression, anxiety, and low-self esteem. Another psychological problem that I use to cope with my nightmare is that I find myself subconsciously disassociating myself from reality because I cannot comprehend was is happening to me and my body, is often one of the coping mechanisms used on dealing with child sexual abuse. I have suffered many physical problems; including eating disorders; such as bulimia – binging on food and making myself throw up and anorexia nervosa – not eating or hardly eating. To this day I still watch what I eat, because I know I could revert to my old ways in an instant. I smoke marijuana now and occasionally drink alcohol to dull my senses and to avoid dealing with the turbulent emotions stirring up in the pit of my stomach. I have abused alcohol and drugs for many years. These can lead to a false sense of self and end up leaving you being controlled by the substance being used, instead of you controlling it. Most incest victims do not speak out as they believe that no one will help them or they get threatened by the perpetrator.  I told my mother and she basically brushed it off. The hurt and betrayal I feel towards my parents causes me to be confused and hurt. I cannot come to forgive either of them. I am presently seeing a psychiatrist and getting help for my addictions. It’s never too late to ask for help. It wasn’t my fault and neither is it yours. All my life, I have questioned who I really was because I had this emptiness inside of me. Don’t be a victim, be a survivor! Stop the silence and never be afraid to speak out, say no, and go for help!  THE END

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