Communication in a Relationship – If we could just communicate we’d have a great relationship!

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Well, let me ask you a question; prior to your relationship crisis, did you or your partner have trouble communicating? Of course you didn’t! So, why would you need to learn how to communicate? You see, it’s really not a question of improving communication skills, but rather a matter of fixing the underlying issue that caused the communication problem! Ironically, counseling is based on improving communication skills, but were you aware that 50% of all couples that attend counseling end up either breaking up or getting divorced, and that less than 20% report any improvement at all? So, is learning to communicate really the solution to having the relationship you want? Well, the answer is unequivocally NO! In fact, it’s the attempts at improving communication that will destroy your relationship! When two people embark on a mission to improve their communication skills they actually become more efficient at arguing! Now let me ask you, do you know anyone that wants to be with someone that argues all the time???
You see, counseling often focuses on communication skills and the superficial actions and behaviors that are occurring on the surface. However, let me assure you that there are always underlying issues that are causing these behaviors. What self limiting beliefs, fears, or insecurities are standing in your way of having the relationship you want? Are these issues causing you difficulty in being close or intimate with your partner, or are they causing you to be controlling or jealous? What effects have these issues had on your partner’s behavior? Have they caused distancing, or even a separation! You see, 99% of the time the lack of communication is due to the frustration caused by the underlying issues that are driving the relationship crisis. But, don’t despair because there is a way to restore communication;

1.You must be willing to put aside who is to blame for the relationship crisis. (There’s and old adage that goes;”Being right doesn’t always go along with being happy”) So, if you want to be right you may as well sign the Divorce settlement agreement or waive goodbye because that’s what’s going to happen anyway.

2.You must be willing to take control of the crisis by uncovering the fears and insecurities you have exhibited which caused your partner to withdraw or not to communicate.

3.You must be willing to change your side of the equation by overcoming these fears and insecurities which in turn will restore communication and reconnect you and your partner. To begin this process you should present a statement of agreement to your partner which will remove any hostility from the relationship and demonstrate that you understand how he or she feels.

The bottom line is; people don’t want to communicate with someone that is jealous, controlling or critical, or someone who is failing to meet their emotional needs!

Best wishes,

David Roppo
The Relationship Rehab Coach

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